When Jeremy and his wife Nina return home after a holiday, they are horrified to discover Ted, Jeremy’s slovenly brother, in their house. After a confrontation that leads to angry parents and Nina moving out, Jeremy forcibly forces Ted to move out….
When I came home from holiday, I expected to relax, maybe open a bottle of wine with my wife and enjoy the peace of our home. Instead, we walked into the living room, which looked like a full frat house after a hell of a party.
Beer cans were lying everywhere, dirty clothes were piled in haphazard piles, and the smell, my goodness, the smell. And there, sprawled out on my couch like the master of the house, lay my older brother Theodore, or Ted as everyone called him.
‘Ted, what the hell? What the hell is this? Why are you in my house?’ I asked, trying to stay calm even though my blood pressure was rising with every second.
Nina, my wife, looked around our living room and rolled her eyes. At that moment I realised that I had to make things right or I would have to deal with a very upset wife.
My brother looked up, nonchalantly, as if I hadn’t just caught him red-handed.
‘Oh, hi, Jeremy,’ he said. ‘Mum and Dad thought it would be easier if I just moved in while you were away. You’ve got so much space and it’s not like you’re using it, you know? You and Nina are either working or on holiday.’
I blinked, trying to comprehend the audacity of his words.
‘You moved in? You moved into my house? Without asking? Ted, are you crazy?’
He rolled his eyes, threw his legs up on the couch and crossed them like he was about to watch a film.
‘Yeah, so?’ – He said. ‘I needed a place to stay, and it didn’t look like you agreed. So we decided to skip that part. Stop being so uptight, Jeremy. Just help your brother out.’
It was like a switch had flicked inside me: all these years I’d watched him suck the money out of my parents, his life becoming one continuous excuse after another, and he’d somehow ended up the victim.
Now he’d taken over my house. Did he?
Just as I opened my mouth to speak, the phone rang. Mum. Of course it did.
I answered, trying to keep my voice as calm as possible.
‘Mum, did you and Dad seriously let Theodore move into my house while I was away?’
‘Why are you using my full name?’ muttered Ted.
I ignored him.
‘Jeremy, don’t be dramatic,’ my mother said, not a hint of apology in her voice. ‘Ted needed a place to stay, and you have so much room. You don’t even have kids yet. So what’s wrong with helping your brother?’
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
‘Mum, he’s forty-two years old. He’s not a child. You let him steal from you for years and now you want to take it out on me? Are you serious? Why do you want to treat him like a kid fresh out of college?’
My mother’s tone changed and she immediately went on the defensive.
‘So, profiteering?’ – she said. ‘I’m disappointed in you, Jeremy. He’s been through a lot. You don’t understand what it’s like to be him. You’ve always been okay. Ted needs a little more help. And as a family, you owe it to him.’
Been through a lot? My brother had two children under the age of five from two different women. And he didn’t bother to support either of them. How was I supposed to feel sorry for this man?
Before I could answer, my father picked up the phone and his voice sounded even more irritated in my ear.
‘Jeremy, stop being selfish. You have money, a house, a wife. What’s the big deal about that? It’s your job to take care of your family. Ted is your brother. He’s staying.’
I almost lost my mind. I almost let my anger get the best of me. But then I remembered that it just wasn’t my style. Ted might have thought he’d won this time, but I had a plan.
‘It’s not about space, Dad,’ I said. ‘It’s about respect. Ted can’t live here without my permission. Nina and I have worked hard on our house. And what’s worse? My wife has to put up with it, too.’
Sitting down on the couch, Ted snorted.
‘Oh, come on. Don’t act like you’re a high and mighty man. It’s just a house,’ he said.
‘But you’ve been ripping off Mum and Dad for years. Why should I believe you’ll do any differently here? Why can’t you stay with one of your kids and their mum?’
I thought this particular card would disappoint him. But he didn’t even flinch.
‘Because I’m family, that’s why. Why do you always act like I’m a stranger? It’s my right to stay here. Mum and Dad said you’d be like this, but I didn’t think you’d turn out to be this bad.’
I finished.
‘Okay, Ted,’ I said. ‘Do you want to stay? Sure. We’ll see what happens.’
I didn’t mind treating my brother horribly, because someone had to teach him a lesson. But when I went upstairs to tell Nina about everything that had happened on the phone, she was very upset.
‘Jer, you can’t be kidding,’ she said as I sat down on the bed across from her.