Probably all owners adore their cats, and for good reason.
A cat has a very simple design. He has ears on his head, a stomach in his belly, claws on his paws, a white spot on his nose, and he ends up with a tail. The cat also has rules, and they are as simple and righteous as a list of test questions buried in his cat’s litter box.
One: The cat is never bored
When a cat gets bored, it goes to sleep.
When he wakes up, there is no more boredom in him and no more food either. So the cat goes to eat. And then he goes to the kitchen. Actually, he has been carrying this kitchen for five or six years, along with the corridor. He watches everything happen as if it were his first time. He’s playing around. He improvises. He watches. It helps him school and learn. He has even learned to serve his right paw on «one» and his second paw on «two,» with two right paws on «one,» and discounted skepticism, at wholesale prices.
Second: The cat never whines
That is, if a cat whines, it wants either to chew, or to pee, or to love and caress, or all at once.
Satisfying a cat’s desires is very easy. Just do it. He’ll thank you by shutting up the squeaker and decorating the room again. The cat is not brainwashed, he knows exactly what he wants from life. True, sometimes he wants strange things, but Grandma drinks all the valerian, so it’s just a dream, and whine all the same there is nothing to do. Note: the sounds in G-major made by the cat while tuning the guitar are the signal of the tuner built in the cat to calibrate the owners nerves, but not to whine about the horrors of acoustic tortures.
Third: if the cat wants affection, it will return it a hundredfold
The cat comes to purr. He doesn’t care if someone is drinking tea, writing a paper in the night, or painting a fine job with varnish. The cat wants love. Right now. Immediately. Inclusively. You can first behind the ear and at the tail. The cat will take his paws, whiskers, ears, and purr and love until he surrenders and is allowed to be petted. The cat rejoices. He actually wants to be responded to. He has plenty. He’s bursting with it. He needs to share, or it’s not fair to him that he gets groped and others don’t.
Fourth: The cat is not ashamed.
Never. Unlike humans, the cat knows to leave its ass in the past. That is, leave his past behind. Preferably by burying it well. He’s not ashamed of the tail in his coffee mug, the hair on his new coat, the tush on the carpet, the pissed slippers, the broken mugs, the bitten fish, the vomit on his laptop, and the frayed furniture. He’s fine, he’s a cat, that’s how he lives, you can accept it or live somewhere else from the cat. Resistance is pointless.
Fifth: The cat is sovereign
Try to get the cat out from under the couch. You have no right to invade his state. The cat’s state is any place where the cat is, plus or minus thirty centimeters. Armed claws and teeth, fighting howls and burning peepers from the darkness will be brought against you. Don’t do to the cat what the cat doesn’t understand, isn’t interested and doesn’t like: the cat doesn’t like violence, but he uses it in alaverdy mode. You give him a pill, he gives you a scratch — a mutually beneficial cheat. If you pry with their own laws — you’ll get in trouble.
Sixth: The cat’s a man.
This means that he will spread his farm right in front of your nose and scrub it. Then, having polished the tool to a shine, he’ll jump on your arm at the side of your elbow and start breeding. There’s not a word in the cat’s head about genetics, so the leopard-coat elbow is miraculous DNA. Without the leopard robe, only a hairy male limb counts. Shaved doesn’t count, we’ve tried it — the hair remotely resembles a cat’s what a female cat should be. The fact that an adult male, 59 years old, is attached to the other side of his arm does not bother the cat. He’s liberal about everything, and in his head, 70% of the usable space is taken up by his ears and mouth, rather than thinking about why you can’t do what he’s doing with his hand, also a male hand.
Seventh: The cat said, the cat did.
A cat with a slipper will bite your leg once. He’ll back off. He thinks it’s easier to bite once than to sulk under the closet for three days. It’s dusty under the closet and doesn’t give you anything but old, already chewed up burlap mice. And the outside of the closet is interesting.
Eighth: The cat is beautiful.
Also, the cat is transparent. If you can’t see through the cat, that’s your problem. Why do you watch TV when you have a cat? Look at the cat. Communicate with it. Appreciate the analog communication, mustache in your eye!
Ninth: The cat is fluffy and soft.
Unless, of course, you take him from the end where he bites and hurt him.
Inside the cat are kindness, shalilka, cat food, purr, a pounding heart, some shit, and a squeaking device. The cat also has chakras, but if you ask him what those are, he’ll look at you for the rest of his life like a bow on a string. On top of the cat is covered with smirk and adoration, so he is irresistible: his striped fur and the cat’s charisma block all the enemy’s negativity better than any armor, making him suffer from remorse, how come he got angry at such a cutie.
