Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds. Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas. Jay-Z and Beyoncé. George and Amal Clooney. As well as being Hollywood stars, these famous couples share another trait: they have chosen partners who are significantly different in age from themselves. For such celebrities, age really does seem to be just a number. And although these high-profile relationships appear to be going well, a large age gap still often attracts judgement, gossip and stereotypes. So, if you’re dating someone significantly younger or older than yourself, advice from experts on age-gap relationships could prove particularly useful.
According to Dr Sarah Hill, a psychologist and professor of sexual psychology at Texas Christian University, age-gap relationships may seem unusual, but in reality they are much like any other romantic partnership — they just have a few extra nuances. Having studied couples with an age gap, Hill concluded that there are no specific ‘rules’ for relationships with someone significantly older or younger. ‘Like any good relationship, healthy couples with an age gap are built on emotional intimacy, commitment, security and trust, regardless of the partners’ ages.’
Nevertheless, such couples often face stigma — for example, friends might discuss the age gap behind their backs, and those around them might make jokes based on stereotypes. Whether you’re already in an age-gap relationship or are simply considering the possibility, therapists are on hand to answer the most important questions. Below are the best tips for such relationships, according to the experts.
What counts as an age-gap relationship?
Two young women smile and pose for a selfie.
Family therapist and relationship expert Celeste Labadi, LMFT, founder of Willing To Love Couples Counselling, defines an age-gap relationship as a partnership where there is a difference of 10 years or more between the partners. Although society is gradually becoming more accepting of such couples, persistent stereotypes still persist in popular culture — for example, the image of the ‘cougar’ preying on younger men, or the attractive ‘gold digger’ who dates an older, wealthy man for financial gain.
Relationships with a significant age gap often provoke awkward questions such as: ‘How do you know you won’t outgrow each other? Isn’t it strange to be with someone who has almost no life experience?’ Some may even question your moral principles and criticise the very choice of a partner older or younger than you. But even with a significant age gap, people can find common ground through shared interests, values and outlooks. And yet this topic continues to spark debate and attract plenty of outside opinions.
A good example is Florence Pugh and Zach Braff. Although they later split up, their romance remained a subject of criticism for a long time. When Florence first discreetly introduced Zach to the public, she was inundated with negative comments due to the nearly 20-year age gap. Nevertheless, she defended the relationship. She was in love and had consciously chosen him as her partner. If she herself saw no problem with it, why should society decide otherwise?
Tips for age-gap relationships
Navigating an age-gap relationship can be tricky, especially when those around you feel the need to constantly comment on your personal life. To filter out the noise and focus on the real connection, Hill and Labadi advise keeping a few key things in mind:
Acknowledge your differences
A couple with an age gap lie on the floor in a messy room, smiling.
If you’re dating someone who is significantly older or younger than you, your ideas about the important stages of a relationship may not align. For example, if your partner is already well-established in their career, whilst you enjoy living with a few flatmates and hitting the bars in Brooklyn until four in the morning, it’s important to be honest about what really matters to you. Hill adds that in relationships with an age gap, there may be more uncertainty about the future, because partners are often at different stages of life.
Recognising your differences whilst appreciating what you have in common helps to create a space for honesty. Make time regularly to discuss your plans and expectations as your relationship develops. If there are areas where you don’t see eye to eye, don’t be afraid to talk about them openly. The more often you discuss your goals for the future, the more at ease and confident you’ll feel in the long run.
Accept that friends and family may not understand you
When loved ones don’t accept your relationship, it can be hurtful, make you feel lonely and undermine your confidence. “Make sure you’re prepared for the fact that not everyone will support your decision,” says Hill. If your family or friends disapprove of your choice, there are ways to ease the situation.
Instead of pretending that the age gap doesn’t matter at all, it’s better to acknowledge this factor openly and ask your loved ones for their support. For example, suggest that they get to know your partner better first, before making jokes about his age. Sometimes people simply need time to get used to the idea of such a relationship. It can help to talk about your partner’s good qualities or mention shared interests that might bring them closer to your family — for example, a love of board games or similar musical tastes.