Have you ever had seatmates from hell? Meet the newlyweds who turned my 14-hour flight into a nightmare. They thought the plane was their honeymoon suite. When they took it too far, I decided it was time for some turbulence to teach an unforgettable lesson in plane etiquette.
They say love is in the air, but on my recent flight, it was pure chaos. Hi. My name is Toby, I’m 35 years old, and I have a wild story that will make you think twice about your next flight. So, picture this: I’m on a plane, counting down the minutes until I can hug my wife and child after being away overseas for ages. And then two horny newlyweds show up and turn my flight into a total nightmare.
For this 14-hour journey, I bought an economy class seat. Honestly, when you have to spend so many hours in a metal tube, every extra inch of legroom counts.
As I settled into the seat, feeling quite pleased with my decision, the guy next to me cleared his throat.
‘Hi,’ he said, grinning. ‘I’m Dave. Listen, I hate to ask, but could you switch places with my wife? We just got married, and… well, you know.’
I put on my best congratulatory smile. ‘That’s great, mate. Congratulations! Where’s your wife sitting?’
Dave pointed to the back of the plane and his smile faltered a little. ‘That’s my Leah over there. In economy.’
I’m not a monster. I understand newlyweds want to be close. But I paid good money for that seat and I wasn’t about to give it away for free.
‘Look, Dave,’ I said, trying to keep it friendly. ‘I paid more for this place because I really need the comfort. But if you want to cover the difference, about a thousand Australian dollars, I’ll gladly swap.’
Dave’s face darkened. ‘A thousand quid? You’ve got to be kidding me?’
I shrugged. ‘Sorry, mate. That’s the deal. Otherwise, I’m staying put.’
Putting in my headphones, I glimpsed a glimpse of Dave’s face. Let’s just say if looks could kill, I’d be ready to die by now.
‘You’re going to regret this,’ he muttered loud enough for me to hear.
I didn’t yet know that those three words would turn my peaceful flight into a war zone at 30,000 feet.
First came the coughing. Not the usual throat clearing, mind you. We’re talking actual explosions in my lungs that made me wonder if it was time for me to get a hazmat suit.
‘Are you okay, Dave?’ I asked, trying to remain calm.
He threw me a look that could have made milk curdle. ‘Never better,’ he wheezed before breaking into another fit.
Just as I was contemplating offering him cough drops (or maybe a whole pharmacy), Dave decided to get crafty. He pulled out his tablet and turned on an action film without headphones.
The couple sitting across from us gave us an appraising look. ‘Hey mate,’ the guy turned to Dave. ‘Would you like some?’
Dave smiled sweetly. ‘Sorry, forgot my headphones. Guess we’ll just have to enjoy it all together.’
I gritted my teeth, my knuckles turning white as I gripped the armrest. ‘Dave, come on. It’s not cool.’
He turned to me, his eyes glittering. ‘Oh, I’m sorry. Am I making you uncomfortable? That must be awful.’
Before I could answer, crumbs sprinkled onto my lap. Dave had somehow managed to turn pretzel-eating into an Olympic competition, and he scattered more on me than into my mouth.
‘Oops,’ he said, not even trying to hide a smirk. ‘Butter fingers.’
I was about ready to lose my temper when I heard a giggle from the aisle. There stood Leah, Dave’s blushing bride, looking like the cat that got the cream.
‘Is this seat taken?’ – she purred, plumping herself right into Dave’s lap.
I’m not a prude, but the way they started chatting, you’d have thought they’d forgotten they were on a plane full of people. Giggling, whispering, … other sounds. It was like being trapped in a bad romcom, only without the ability to change the channel.
I tried to focus on my book, the film, hell, even the security map – anything to ward off the show of lovebirds. But after an hour of their antics, I’d had enough.
‘That’s it, that’s enough,’ I muttered, waving my hand at a passing flight attendant. ‘Time to fight fire with fire.’
As the flight attendant approached, Dave and Leah turned on voluptuous mode, making big eyes and giving sweet notations.
‘Is there a problem, sir?’ – The flight attendant asked, looking round our row with a mixture of concern and suspicion.
I took a deep breath, ready to lay it all out. Everything was going to be fine.
‘Problem? Oh, where do I start?’ I said, loud enough for the passengers next to me to hear. ‘These two have turned this flight into their own private honeymoon suite.’
The flight attendant raised an eyebrow, her gaze shifting between me and the embracing couple.
I continued, ticking off points on my fingers. ‘We’ve had non-stop coughing, a film running without headphones, a rain of snack crumbs, and now…’ I gestured at Leah sitting on Dave’s lap, ‘this lap dance situation.’
Dave’s face turned red. ‘We’re newlyweds!’ – he protested. ‘We just want to sit together.’
The flight attendant’s professional mask slid off for a moment, revealing a flash of irritation. ‘Sir, ma’am, I understand you’re celebrating, but there are rules we have to follow.’
Leah flapped her eyelashes. ‘Can’t you make an exception? It’s our special day.’
I couldn’t help but interject. ‘It’s been their ‘special day’ for the last hour.’
The stewardess adjusted her uniform and turned to the two lovers. ‘I’m afraid I can’t. According to airline regulations, an adult passenger should not sit on the lap of another. It’s a safety issue.’
Dave’s smug grin faded. ‘But…’
‘No buts,’ the flight attendant interrupted him. ‘And since you didn’t pay for this upgraded seat, but were transferred here, you must strictly follow all the rules.’
I had to bite my lip to keep from smirking. The tables turned, and it felt really good.
The stewardess turned to Leah. ‘Ma’am, I’m going to have to ask you to return to your original seat.’
Leah’s eyes widened. ‘You can’t be serious! We’re married!’
‘Congratulations,’ the stewardess replied, and it was clear from her tone that she’d had enough of talking. ‘But marriage does not exempt you from following aviation safety regulations. Please return to your seat.’
Dave tried to cut in. ‘Look, we’re sorry if we disturbed anyone. We’ll be quiet now, we promise.’
The stewardess shook her head. ‘I’m afraid that’s not good enough. Because of your disruptive behaviour, you’ll both have to move to the back of the plane in economy class.’
The colour disappeared from Dave’s face. ‘Both of us? But I paid…’
‘You’ve been upgraded out of courtesy,’ the flight attendant interrupted. ‘A courtesy you abused. Now, please gather your things.’
As Dave and Leah reluctantly gathered their things, I caught scraps of their argument, which they carried on in whispers.
‘This is all your fault,’ Leah hissed.
‘My fault? You’re the one who…’
‘That’s enough,’ the flight attendant intervened. ‘Please move to the back of the plane.’
As they walked past, blushing and avoiding looking each other in the eye, I couldn’t resist a parting remark.
‘Enjoy your honeymoon,’ I said, wiggling my fingers in a joking manner.
Dave’s gaze could have melted steel, but I only smiled and settled back into my now quiet seat.
The stewardess turned to me. ‘Is there anything else you need, sir?’
I grinned, feeling like I had just won the lottery. ‘Just some peace and quiet. And maybe a celebratory drink?’
When the flight attendant stepped aside to bring me a drink, I couldn’t shake off the guilt. Maybe I’d been too harsh? No, I brushed it off. It was their own fault.
An elderly gentleman across the aisle caught my eye and gave me a thumbs-up. ‘Well played, son,’ he grinned. ‘Reminds me of my first marriage. We were young and stupid too, but at least we knew how to behave in public.’
I grinned back. ‘Thanks. Otherwise I was starting to feel like I was in some sort of hidden camera show.’
The lady next to him leaned in. ‘Honey, you did us all a favour. I was just about ready to shove those pretzels down that boy’s throat myself.’
We all laughed, and the tension from earlier faded away. It was nice to feel that we had allies.
The stewardess returned with my drink, a mini bottle of whiskey and a can of Coke. ‘On the house,’ she said with a wink. ‘Consider it a thank you for your patience.’
I raised the bottle in a mock toast. ‘To peaceful flying and karma,’ I said loud enough for those around me to hear me. A chorus of ‘hear, hear!’ rose from the neighbouring seats.
As I mixed my drink, I couldn’t help but think about Dave and Leah. Were they huddled in the back room plotting revenge? Or had they finally realised how ridiculous they’d been acting?
My musings were interrupted by the beeping of the intercom.
The captain’s voice filled the cabin. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, turbulence is expected ahead. Please return to your seats and fasten your seatbelts.’
I grinned to myself. Turbulence? After what we had just been through?
The plane started to shake and I heard a shriek from behind me. I turned in my seat to look. Dave was there, desperately trying to hold his tray so he wouldn’t spill his drink in his lap.
I turned around, sipping my whiskey and coke. ‘Karma’s a witch!’ I muttered.
The turbulence subsided and the flight settled into a peaceful calm. I was just beginning to contemplate what might happen next when a commotion came up from behind me.
‘I have to go to the bathroom!’ It was Leah’s voice, shrill and insistent.
I turned round and saw her standing in the aisle with Dave right behind her. A flight attendant, not unlike the one who had helped me before, was trying to calm her down.
‘Ma’am, please return to your seat. The seatbelt sign is still on,’ the flight attendant explained.
‘But it’s an emergency!’ wailed Leah, doing a little dance for extra effect.
I caught the old man’s gaze. He winked at me, clearly enjoying the show.
Dave entered, a contrived concern in his voice. ‘Look, my wife is having health problems. She really needs to use the toilet in the front. The one in the back is…busy.’
The flight attendant looked confused. ‘I understand, but rules are rules. You’ll have to wait until the captain turns off the seatbelt sign.’
Leah’s face crinkled. ‘But I can’t wait! Please, I’m begging you!’
I had to hand it to her…she wasn’t a bad actress. If I hadn’t known better, I might have felt sorry for her.
The attendant sighed, clearly hesitating. ‘All right, but only quickly. And get back to your seats immediately afterwards, understand?’
Dave and Leah nodded vigorously, already pushing past her to the front of the plane. As they approached my row, I couldn’t help myself. I stood up, blocking their path.
‘Whoa, guys. Didn’t we already have a deal? Back of the plane, remember?’ I said, loud enough for the passengers to hear.
Dave’s face darkened. ‘Mind your own business, mate. It’s none of your business.’
I raised an eyebrow. ‘Oh, I guess it does apply. After all, we don’t want any more… breakdowns, do we?’
Leah spoke, her voice sickeningly sweet. ‘Please, sir. It’s just a short toilet break. We promise we’ll be right back.’
I looked at her, then at Dave, then at the approaching stewardess who let them pass. Time to end this farce.
‘You know what? You’re right. It’s just a toilet break,’ I said, stepping aside. ‘Come on in.’
Dave and Leah exchanged triumphant glances as they walked past me. But I wasn’t done yet. I turned to the stewardess with a smile.
‘Sorry, I couldn’t help but overhear. You said these two have permission to be here?’
The stewardess furrowed her eyebrows. ‘Well, I… they said it was an emergency.’
I nodded sympathetically. ‘I see. And you know those two were clearly told to stay in the back of the plane because of disruptive behaviour earlier?’
The flight attendant’s eyes widened. ‘No, I was not informed of that.’
At this point, the flight attendant who had been chatting to Dave and Leah earlier appeared. ‘Is there a problem?’ – She asked, giving the couple a glance around.
Dave’s face went pale. Leah’s hastily-arranged dance came to an abrupt halt.
I stepped aside, leaving it to the professionals to deal with it. ‘I guess those two just flew away,’ I said, unable to contain the smugness in my voice.
The original flight attendant turned to Dave and Leah, her expression stern. ‘I thought I made myself clear. Go back to your seats. Now.’
‘But…’ began Leah, and her statement failed.
‘No buts,’ the stewardess cut her short. ‘Or would you prefer we discuss this with the marshal?’
It was done. Without another word, Dave and Leah sank into their seats in economy class, defeated.
As the plane began its descent into California, I couldn’t help but feel a sense of satisfaction. The rest of the flight had gone blessedly smooth and I was more than ready to see my family.
The captain’s voice came over the intercom, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we are beginning our final approach to Los Angeles International Airport. Please make sure your seats are upright and your seat belts are fastened.’
As we neared the gate, I gathered my belongings, anxious to get off the plane as soon as possible. The flight attendant, who was our saving grace, approached me.
‘Thank you for your patience,’ she said with a genuine smile. ‘We hope you had a comfortable flight despite the…previous unpleasantness.’
I grinned back. ‘Thanks to you, yes. You handled the situation beautifully.’
She glowed at the compliment. ‘Have a good day, sir!’
I stood up, stretching after the long flight. Walking down the aisle, I noticed Dave and Leah, who were still avoiding meeting everyone’s gaze.
For a moment, I felt a prick of sympathy. They were young, perhaps just too excited about their honeymoon. But then I remembered their rude behaviour, and the sympathy evaporated.
As I walked past their row, I couldn’t resist one last parting word. ‘I hope you’ve learnt something today. Enjoy your honeymoon!’
Dave’s face took on an impressive shade of red, but he remained silent. Smart move.
And with those words, I left the plane feeling victorious and ready to enjoy the rest of the trip. As I entered the terminal, I couldn’t help but grin. It had been a heck of a flight, but in the end common decency and a little karma won out.
I saw my wife and kid waiting for me, and their faces lit up when they saw me. All thoughts of Dave and Leah faded away. I was home, and that was all that mattered.
