When my stepdaughter gave birth to twins last year, I was over the moon. Becoming a grandmother had always been my dream. I could already imagine spoiling them with little gifts, listening to their laughter and filling our weekends with family moments.
But I didn’t expect this: sleepless nights with a cradle for babies, endless nappies and the feeling that I had been reduced to the role of a ‘nanny’ several times a week.
Help out of love
At first, it didn’t bother me. I knew my son and stepdaughter were very busy, so I stopped by a couple of times a week to look after the babies and help around the house. It was tiring, but I did it out of love.
However, very quickly my visits ceased to be tender moments with my grandchildren. I felt like I was working in a nursery. No one asked if I was free. I would arrive, and my stepdaughter would hand me one baby and say, ‘The other one is on the changing table. Can you watch him?’
But I’m not a nanny. I’ve already raised my own children and didn’t expect to return to that role after sixty.
Every time I tried to set boundaries, she would wave her hand and say, ‘You’re their grandmother. That’s what grandmothers do.’
But is that all there is to being a grandmother? For me, it’s love, joy, support — not a duty to clean up, stay up late and babysit for free. And when I discussed it with my son, he was always ‘too busy.’
The conversation I had to have
One evening, I finally told my stepdaughter that I felt uncomfortable putting the children to bed and changing nappies every night. She tensed up and asked, ‘So you don’t want to help?’
Of course I want to help. But I also want to enjoy my retirement and have a life outside of being a babysitter. I wanted respect — not to feel like a domestic servant.
The moment that broke my heart
A friend from the club quietly asked if I really ‘babysat for free every day.’ She showed me a post my stepdaughter had made on Facebook: a photo of me holding the twins, both asleep in my arms, with a nappy on my shoulder. I must have dozed off.
The caption read: ‘This is my built-in nanny. Thanks to her, I can spend my weekends with my friends. Love you.’
‘Built-in nanny.’ That’s what I had become to her — not a ‘wonderful grandmother’ or ‘incredible support,’ but a free babysitter. I don’t think she meant to hurt me, but it hurt. I felt invisible, valued only for what I could provide.
Standing up for myself
That was the last straw. I finally sat down with her and said, ‘I love you and I adore the twins. But I’m your mother-in-law, not your employee. I’m a grandmother, not a free babysitter.’
She looked stunned. She said she thought I enjoyed spending time with the little ones and just helping out. And yes, I adore them. But I explained that I wanted to help on my own terms — not out of guilt or because it was expected.
I said I would continue to come, but on my own schedule. No more nights at home and endless nappies unless we agreed in advance. She took it badly. She called me ‘selfish’ and ‘mean.’
But for the first time, I stood my ground.
Choosing myself
Instead of saving money for my family, as I had planned, I decided to spend it on myself — on a well-deserved holiday. Today, I travel, enjoy the silence and finally remember who I am outside of my role as a nanny.
I didn’t respond to her messages asking for help. Part of me feels guilty, but another part feels relieved.
And yet, the question lingers in my heart: does this make me a bad mother-in-law… or a bad grandmother?
