When Jeremy and his wife Nina return home after a holiday, they are horrified to discover Ted, Jeremy’s slovenly brother, in their house. After a confrontation that leads to angry parents and Nina moving out, Jeremy forcibly forces Ted to move out….
When I came home from holiday, I expected to relax, maybe open a bottle of wine with my wife and enjoy the peace of our home. Instead, we walked into the living room, which looked like a full frat house after a hell of a party.
Beer cans were lying everywhere, dirty clothes were piled in haphazard piles, and the smell, my goodness, the smell. And there, sprawled out on my couch like the master of the house, lay my older brother Theodore, or Ted as everyone called him.
‘Ted, what the hell? What the hell is this? Why are you in my house?’ I asked, trying to stay calm even though my blood pressure was rising with every second.
Nina, my wife, looked around our living room and rolled her eyes. At that moment I realised that I had to make things right or I would have to deal with a very upset wife.
My brother looked up, nonchalantly, as if I hadn’t just caught him red-handed.
‘Oh, hi, Jeremy,’ he said. ‘Mum and Dad thought it would be easier if I just moved in while you were away. You’ve got so much space and it’s not like you’re using it, you know? You and Nina are either working or on holiday.’
I blinked, trying to comprehend the audacity of his words.
‘You moved in? You moved into my house? Without asking? Ted, are you crazy?’
He rolled his eyes, threw his legs up on the couch and crossed them like he was about to watch a film.
‘Yeah, so?’ – He said. ‘I needed a place to stay, and it didn’t look like you agreed. So we decided to skip that part. Stop being so uptight, Jeremy. Just help your brother out.’
It was like a switch had flicked inside me: all these years I’d watched him suck the money out of my parents, his life becoming one continuous excuse after another, and he’d somehow ended up the victim.
Now he’d taken over my house. Did he?
Just as I opened my mouth to speak, the phone rang. Mum. Of course it did.
I answered, trying to keep my voice as calm as possible.
‘Mum, did you and Dad seriously let Theodore move into my house while I was away?’
‘Why are you using my full name?’ muttered Ted.
I ignored him.
‘Jeremy, don’t be dramatic,’ my mother said, not a hint of apology in her voice. ‘Ted needed a place to stay, and you have so much room. You don’t even have kids yet. So what’s wrong with helping your brother?’
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
‘Mum, he’s forty-two years old. He’s not a child. You let him steal from you for years and now you want to take it out on me? Are you serious? Why do you want to treat him like a kid fresh out of college?’
My mother’s tone changed and she immediately went on the defensive.
‘So, profiteering?’ – she said. ‘I’m disappointed in you, Jeremy. He’s been through a lot. You don’t understand what it’s like to be him. You’ve always been okay. Ted needs a little more help. And as a family, you owe it to him.’
Been through a lot? My brother had two children under the age of five from two different women. And he didn’t bother to support either of them. How was I supposed to feel sorry for this man?
Before I could answer, my father picked up the phone and his voice sounded even more irritated in my ear.
‘Jeremy, stop being selfish. You have money, a house, a wife. What’s the big deal about that? It’s your job to take care of your family. Ted is your brother. He’s staying.’
I almost lost my mind. I almost let my anger get the best of me. But then I remembered that it just wasn’t my style. Ted might have thought he’d won this time, but I had a plan.
‘It’s not about space, Dad,’ I said. ‘It’s about respect. Ted can’t live here without my permission. Nina and I have worked hard on our house. And what’s worse? My wife has to put up with it, too.’
Sitting down on the couch, Ted snorted.
‘Oh, come on. Don’t act like you’re a high and mighty man. It’s just a house,’ he said.
‘But you’ve been ripping off Mum and Dad for years. Why should I believe you’ll do any differently here? Why can’t you stay with one of your kids and their mum?’
I thought this particular card would disappoint him. But he didn’t even flinch.
‘Because I’m family, that’s why. Why do you always act like I’m a stranger? It’s my right to stay here. Mum and Dad said you’d be like this, but I didn’t think you’d turn out to be this bad.’
I finished.
‘Okay, Ted,’ I said. ‘Do you want to stay? Sure. We’ll see what happens.’
I didn’t mind treating my brother horribly, because someone had to teach him a lesson. But when I went upstairs to tell Nina about everything that had happened on the phone, she was very upset.
‘Jer, you can’t be kidding,’ she said as I sat down on the bed across from her.
‘I’m going to fix everything. I promise you, Nina. I’m going to fix everything. But first I’m going to teach him a lesson.’
‘Well, I don’t want to be here for that. You’ve got a week. Get him out or I’m out of here,’ she said.
‘What do you mean?’ asked I.
‘I’m leaving to go to my sister’s, Jeremy. I can’t stand your brother and I’m not staying here while he’s here,’ she said as she packed her suitcase.
‘I’ll make it up to you, my love,’ I promised her.
Over the next week, I turned Ted’s life into a nightmare without raising my voice once. And when Nina left, I had even more incentive to get him out.
The first thing I did was switch off the Wi-Fi. Ted, who spent most of the day tucked away on his phone or watching programmes on the TV, was completely lost.
He complained, but I only smiled.
‘Oh, the internet? Yeah, it’s been unstable.’
Then I turned off the hot water. Ted liked to take long, lazy showers, but now he was greeted by ice-cold water every morning.
‘Must be something wrong with the plumbing,’ I said innocently when he whined about it.
Then there was the food.
I filled the fridge with nothing but tofu, vegetables, and the healthiest food I could find. Ted hated anything that wasn’t fatty or fried. And now every time he opened the fridge, he groaned as if I was starving him.
‘You’re family, right?’ I said. ‘I’m sure you can put up with a little inconvenience. But it’s for my health, so it’ll be fine.’
To top it off, I started putting on music at 6 a.m. every day while I worked out on the treadmill at the gym. I decided that if Ted wasn’t going to contribute to the household, at least he could get up early.
Of course, he didn’t like all this. And on the fifth day, he looked like he was on the verge of insanity.
‘Jeremy, dude, this is bullshit,’ Ted said one morning, his voice full of frustration. ‘I can’t stay here. How can you live like this? No wifi, no hot water, no food that I like. It’s torture.’
I raised an eyebrow.
‘I thought you’d appreciate staying, Ted. It’s not like you don’t pay rent or contribute anything. What’s the problem?’
He muttered something to himself under his breath, clearly losing his temper.
‘Forget it, I’m going back to Mum and Dad’s.’
As he walked away, dragging his junk behind him, I couldn’t help but smile.
But I wasn’t finished yet. I cleaned the house, went grocery shopping, and made Nina a nice dinner. In the afternoon, I had already called her to let her know that Ted had left.
‘Come home, honey,’ I said.
‘See you later,’ she replied, and I could hear the smile in her voice.
While Nina waited for her to shower, I realised there was one more thing left to do.
‘Mum, Dad,’ I said over the phone. ‘Ted has left my house. And he’s not coming back. This is your problem again.’
My mum was furious.
‘Jeremy, you can’t just kick him out! Where will he go?’
‘That’s up to Ted, Mum. He’s 42 years old. If you guys want to continue to patronise him, go ahead. But I’m done.’
After that, I found out that Ted had moved back into my parents’ house, but they demanded that he turn the garage into his own space. They forced him to get a job.
Ted was upset, of course, so they blamed it on me. But I was fine with that. Nina and I had our own house again, and we had peace of mind.
What would you do?
If you enjoyed this story, here’s another one for you
My husband ‘accidentally’ locked me in the basement to watch basketball with his friends in our house
Dani can’t stand her husband’s friends. So when Ethan suggests inviting them to a basketball game, she dismisses the idea. On the day of the game, Dani goes to the basement to get a six-pack of beer, but before she knows it, she’s locked inside. What happens next…?
I should have said no from the beginning. And not just when Ethan proposed the idea of his friends coming over for dinner. I mean, it was much earlier, when I first realised how awful they were. I’ve never explicitly said I don’t hate them, but let me be honest with you: I think I’ve expressed myself clearly enough.
But my husband, Ethan?
He’s so different from these guys. In his 35s, he’s a successful manager at a technology company, but for reasons I’ll never understand, he’s still friends with the same guys he went to high school with.
They’re loud, rude, and totally unlike Ethan. They are everything he left behind when he made something of himself.
Except, apparently, his loyalty to them.
‘Dani, it’s just one game,’ he said that night, sitting in the kitchen with a hopeful grin. ‘The guys are really excited to watch the game here. They’re dying to see our new TV. It’s going to be fun!’
I sighed, trying to stay calm. I could almost see this horrible evening unfolding already. I knew Ethan’s friends would take over the entire house, inappropriate comments would come up in every conversation.
‘Ethan, you know how I feel about them. Every time they come over, it’s like our house turns into a fraternity. I’m not cleaning up after them anymore. That’s not going to happen.’
My husband’s face lowered, a look of wounded pride flashing in his eyes.
