My in-laws arrived at the restaurant, dressed to the hilt, my mother-in-law was decked out in jewellery that could support a small country.
They were seated at the best table in the house – a corner table overlooking the garden and the pianist.
‘They’ve ordered everything, dear. Everything.’ You could hear the amazement in Mum’s voice.
‘They had appetisers I can’t pronounce, bottles of wine that the waiter had to uncork from some special drawer. Your father-in-law got a wagyu steak that was literally studded with gold flakes.’
‘And you?’ I asked, already shuddering.
‘Oh, I only had pasta and water. I wasn’t very hungry.’
Smart woman. Minimise the damage.
‘And then what happened?’
‘Well, when the bill came, it was like watching a play where everyone knows their lines. Your mother-in-law suddenly remembered that she had forgotten her purse at home. Your father-in-law patted his pockets and pretended to realise his wallet was in the car.’
‘I knew it,’ I moaned.
‘Your brother-in-law, Tyler, claimed he needed to check on the babysitter, and his wife followed him. One by one they all disappeared, leaving me with a bill for over $1,500.’
‘Mum!’ I almost shouted. ‘Tell me you didn’t pay it!’
‘Of course not,’ she said all too calmly. ‘I called the waiter over and ordered dessert.’
‘What?’
‘A chocolate soufflé. And a glass of the most expensive port. The waiter looked embarrassed, but I just smiled and said I was still celebrating.’
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
‘But… I don’t understand, Mum. If they disappeared, as usual, and you didn’t pay the bill, then what happened?’
‘Well, when the waiter brought my dessert, I asked him to get the manager. His name is Robbie. You must have heard me mention him.’
‘Robbie? From when you were teaching?’
‘The very same one! He was that nice boy who always brought me an apple, remember? He owns three restaurants now.’
My mum worked as a primary school teacher for 30 years before retiring. Apparently she learned half the town, including, it seems, successful restaurant managers.
‘We had a nice chat,’ Mum continued. ‘We reminisced about old times. I told him I was waiting for my dinner companions to come back with their purses, and he thought it was just hilarious.’
I smiled. ‘Oh, I think I see where this is going.’
‘Robbie and I came up with a little plan,’ Mum said. ‘He called your relatives and very politely informed them that their company had left without paying, but not to worry, they could come back and pay the bill. Otherwise, he would have to go to the authorities to report the lunch-and-leave situation.’
I sighed. ‘He didn’t do that.’
‘Oh, he did. And he put me on speakerphone so I could hear. Your father-in-law started babbling excuses about going to withdraw money from the ATM. But Robbie just said: ‘Well, sir, that’s wonderful news. We’ll be expecting you back soon.’
‘They’re back?’
‘Like their designer trousers were on fire,’ my mum giggled.
‘Your mother-in-law was practically purple with rage. But what could they say? They’d been caught red-handed.’
‘And the bill?’
‘Robbie added a twenty-five per cent ‘inconvenience fee’ for their little disappearance. All in all, it came out to a little over $2,000.’
I sat in stunned silence before bursting into laughter. ‘Mum, you’re my hero.’
‘The most interesting thing happened this morning,’ she continued. ‘Your mother-in-law called to thank me for coming. And then she said: ‘Just so you know, we always pay for family dinners ourselves. We’ve always paid.’
‘What a cheeky thing to say!’
‘Some people only learn when there are consequences, dear. I think your relatives have just learnt an expensive lesson.’
She was right.
In the months that followed, something marvellous happened. Whenever we went out to dinner with Dan’s family, my mother-in-law would announce loudly at the beginning of the meal, ‘Everyone, we’re paying separately tonight.’
The waiter nodded, embarrassed by her emphatic tone, and Dan and I exchanged knowing glances.