She tried to speak, gasping for breath. ‘Mummy, Lisa… Lisa treats me badly when Daddy isn’t around.’
‘What do you mean, honey?’ I asked, my heart breaking.
‘She says all sorts of nasty things,’ Amy continued, tears streaming down her face. “She says I’m annoying and that I shouldn’t be there. She told me that if I told Dad, he wouldn’t believe me because I’m just a kid. She said I should stay in my room and not bother them.”
The anger that erupted in me was almost blinding! How dare this woman, who had no right to be in my daughter’s life, treat her like this? “Amy, you did the right thing by telling me. I’m so proud of you,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm.
“You don’t have to be around her anymore if you don’t want to. I’ll talk to your dad and we’ll sort it out, okay?”
Amy nodded, wiping her tears with the back of her palm. ‘Okay, Mum.’
When we got home, I hugged Amy tightly and let her know how much I loved her. Then, once she was settled in her room with her favourite stuffed animal, I picked up the phone and called Dave. He answered on the third ring.
“Hi Claire, is something wrong? I just got home and Lisa said you came round and picked up Amy?”
‘Yeah, something’s up,’ I said, unable to contain the anger in my voice. “Amy used our code word today, Dave. She wanted to leave because Lisa was saying horrible things to her when you weren’t around.”
A long silence hung on the other end of the line. ‘What? That can’t be… Lisa didn’t…’
“She did it, Dave. Amy was in tears when we got in the car. She’s scared of your friend and didn’t know how to tell you, so she told me the only way she could.”
“Claire, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I’m going to talk to Lisa. It’s not okay.”
‘No, it’s not okay,’ I said, my voice softening. “But more importantly, it’s Amy. She’s the one we should be thinking about.”
‘You’re right,’ Dave said, defeat sounding in his voice more defeated than I’d ever heard from him. “I’ll deal with it. I promise.”
After we hung up, I sat on the couch feeling emotionally drained. It wasn’t how I had imagined my weekend would go, but I was glad that Amy felt safe enough to use our code word. It was a small thing, but it made a huge difference.
That’s when I decided my little girl should have a phone. I knew that technology could hurt her development, but I believed that she could text me and that it would come in handy.
As I sat on the couch and thought about everything that had happened, I realised how important it is for other parents to have something similar. That code word gave Amy a way to reach out to her without feeling unprotected or vulnerable.
It also allowed me to step in before the situation escalated even further. But a code word isn’t just about choosing a random word; there are a few important rules to keep in mind to make sure you choose a good ‘password.’
First of all, never use common words that are often found in everyday conversation. The last thing you want is for that word to be mentioned casually and cause unnecessary anxiety.
These are words that others can easily guess, such as “school”, “birthday”, colours, etc. It doesn’t have to be something obvious.
Second, consider a phrase if your child is old enough to memorise it. A short, memorable phrase or combination of two words can add an extra layer of security. It should be something that is not easily guessed by others, yet should be easy for your child to recall.
For example, the phrases ‘sunny forest,’ ‘dancing penguin,’ ‘blue apple,’ and others. It is best to test the phrase to see if the child can recall it easily even under different circumstances, such as when they are tense or calm.
Rule number three – act out scenarios with your child. Practice using the code word in different situations so that they understand exactly when and how to use it. This will help them feel confident and prepared if they ever need to use it.
Our experience was a powerful reminder that such a simple plan can make a big difference. My hope is that by sharing our story, more parents will consider creating a code word for their children. It could be the very tool they need at a critical time.