When I was a little girl, my mum taught me to use a code word if I was in trouble and couldn’t speak up. As I became an adult, I decided to adopt this brilliant method from my little girl. I figured she could use it to get out of a sleepover or in case of an awkward encounter. But I had no idea she would need it so soon.
So yesterday was like any other day, or so it seemed to me. As I sat in the kitchen finishing my evening coffee, the phone rang. It was my ex-husband Dave. Our relationship, once filled with warmth and affection, has grown strained over the years.
The divorce was taking its toll, and although we tried to maintain a civil relationship for the sake of our daughter Amy, the situation often remained strained. ‘Hi, Claire,’ Dave’s voice came out, a little hesitant. “Amy wants to talk to you. She asked me to tell you about her day since she got here.”
That caught me off guard. Amy usually enjoyed weekends with sleepovers at her father’s house and rarely called me during those visits. ‘Sure, tell her,’ I replied, trying to keep my voice even. The fact that Dave sounded a little distant only added to the anxiety that was beginning to settle in my stomach.
‘Hi Mum!’ Amy’s voice was as cheerful as ever, but there was something in the way she spoke that I couldn’t understand. It was unusual for her, so I was wary and listened carefully.
“Hi, honey! How’s your weekend going? Did you have fun?” I asked, hoping to keep the conversation light.
“Yeah, it’s been good. We went to the park yesterday and this morning I drew some pictures. I drew a dog, a tree, and… I wish I had a blue marker so I could draw blueberries.”
Those words came down on me like a tonne of bricks! There it was: our code word. My heart raced, and for a moment I was speechless. In the midst of her baby talk, Amy had dropped our ‘password.’
When my daughter was younger, I taught her the importance of having a secret word. It was something she could use if she felt unsafe but couldn’t say it outright. We had a word for blueberries, but I never thought she would use it.
I swallowed hard and forced myself to stay calm because the word meant ‘get me out of here immediately. “That sounds great, sweetheart. I’m on my way to pick you up. Please don’t say anything to your father. I’ll talk to him when I get there.”
‘Was there anything else you wanted to tell me?’
‘No, that’s it,’ she replied, her tone was still sweet, but you could hear the notes of something else in it: fear? Uncertainty? I couldn’t be sure, but I knew one thing: I had to get her out of there.
‘I’ll see you soon, okay?’ I said as nonchalantly as possible.
“Okay, mum. Love you.”
‘Love you too, my Amy Wemi.’
I heard her giggle as I hung up the phone, my hands shaking. I tried to figure out what could have happened. Dave had never given me any reason to doubt his ability to take care of our daughter, but something was wrong.
I grabbed my keys, making a decision. I had to go to my ex’s house and pick up Amy.
When I finally got there, I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. To my surprise, it wasn’t Dave who answered, but a woman I didn’t recognise. She looked at me with a mixture of curiosity and annoyance. ‘What can I do for you?’ – She asked in a harsh tone.
‘I’m here to pick up my daughter,’ I said, trying my best to keep my voice even. ‘Is Dave home?’
‘He just went out on business,’ she replied, crossing her arms. “But Amy’s inside. Who are you?”
‘I’m Claire, Amy’s mum,’ I said, my patience wearing thin. ‘And you are?’
The expression on the woman’s face didn’t soften. “I’m Lisa. Dave’s girlfriend. We’ve been living together for a few weeks now.”
I blinked, stunned. Dave had never mentioned that he had a girlfriend, let alone that she’d moved in with him. Why hadn’t Amy said anything about it before? But now was not the time to ask questions. I needed to get my daughter out of there.
‘Well, Lisa, I just remembered that Amy has a doctor’s appointment early in the morning and we need to talk about something before then,’ I lied, forcing myself to smile. “I forgot to tell Dave about that. I’ll just pick her up and bring her back later.”
Lisa didn’t look convinced, but she didn’t argue either. ‘Okay, but I’ll let Dave know.’
‘Sure,’ I said as I walked past her into the house. Amy was sitting on the couch, curled up on the couch, colouring in a book. When she saw me, her face lit up, but I could see the relief in her eyes.
‘Hi, honey,’ I said, trying to keep it light. ‘We need to go get ready for our doctor’s appointment tomorrow, remember?’
Amy nodded and stood up, clutching her book to her chest. She didn’t say a word as she followed me out of the house. Lisa watched us, her eyes narrowed, but she didn’t stop us.
As soon as we got in the car and pulled away, I looked at my daughter. ‘Are you okay, baby?’ I asked softly. At first Amy nodded, but then as the tension of the situation eased, she began to cry.
She tried to speak, gasping for breath. ‘Mummy, Lisa… Lisa treats me badly when Daddy isn’t around.’
‘What do you mean, honey?’ I asked, my heart breaking.
‘She says all sorts of nasty things,’ Amy continued, tears streaming down her face. “She says I’m annoying and that I shouldn’t be there. She told me that if I told Dad, he wouldn’t believe me because I’m just a kid. She said I should stay in my room and not bother them.”
The anger that erupted in me was almost blinding! How dare this woman, who had no right to be in my daughter’s life, treat her like this? “Amy, you did the right thing by telling me. I’m so proud of you,” I said, trying to keep my voice calm.
“You don’t have to be around her anymore if you don’t want to. I’ll talk to your dad and we’ll sort it out, okay?”
Amy nodded, wiping her tears with the back of her palm. ‘Okay, Mum.’
When we got home, I hugged Amy tightly and let her know how much I loved her. Then, once she was settled in her room with her favourite stuffed animal, I picked up the phone and called Dave. He answered on the third ring.
“Hi Claire, is something wrong? I just got home and Lisa said you came round and picked up Amy?”
‘Yeah, something’s up,’ I said, unable to contain the anger in my voice. “Amy used our code word today, Dave. She wanted to leave because Lisa was saying horrible things to her when you weren’t around.”
A long silence hung on the other end of the line. ‘What? That can’t be… Lisa didn’t…’
“She did it, Dave. Amy was in tears when we got in the car. She’s scared of your friend and didn’t know how to tell you, so she told me the only way she could.”
“Claire, I’m so sorry. I had no idea. I’m going to talk to Lisa. It’s not okay.”
‘No, it’s not okay,’ I said, my voice softening. “But more importantly, it’s Amy. She’s the one we should be thinking about.”
‘You’re right,’ Dave said, defeat sounding in his voice more defeated than I’d ever heard from him. “I’ll deal with it. I promise.”
After we hung up, I sat on the couch feeling emotionally drained. It wasn’t how I had imagined my weekend would go, but I was glad that Amy felt safe enough to use our code word. It was a small thing, but it made a huge difference.
That’s when I decided my little girl should have a phone. I knew that technology could hurt her development, but I believed that she could text me and that it would come in handy.
As I sat on the couch and thought about everything that had happened, I realised how important it is for other parents to have something similar. That code word gave Amy a way to reach out to her without feeling unprotected or vulnerable.
It also allowed me to step in before the situation escalated even further. But a code word isn’t just about choosing a random word; there are a few important rules to keep in mind to make sure you choose a good ‘password.’
First of all, never use common words that are often found in everyday conversation. The last thing you want is for that word to be mentioned casually and cause unnecessary anxiety.
These are words that others can easily guess, such as “school”, “birthday”, colours, etc. It doesn’t have to be something obvious.
Second, consider a phrase if your child is old enough to memorise it. A short, memorable phrase or combination of two words can add an extra layer of security. It should be something that is not easily guessed by others, yet should be easy for your child to recall.
For example, the phrases ‘sunny forest,’ ‘dancing penguin,’ ‘blue apple,’ and others. It is best to test the phrase to see if the child can recall it easily even under different circumstances, such as when they are tense or calm.
Rule number three – act out scenarios with your child. Practice using the code word in different situations so that they understand exactly when and how to use it. This will help them feel confident and prepared if they ever need to use it.
Our experience was a powerful reminder that such a simple plan can make a big difference. My hope is that by sharing our story, more parents will consider creating a code word for their children. It could be the very tool they need at a critical time.
