I carefully wrapped up the jumper and materials, made sure it looked the same as before, and put it back under the bed. I then closed the door behind me and spent the rest of the day shrouded in a fog of shame and self-recrimination.
What kind of mother was I being?
For the next two weeks, I behaved as normally as possible. I tried not to repress myself, even though it was difficult. Every time I saw Barbara, I was overcome with guilt. Did she know I was in her room? Was she pretending that everything was okay? The weight of it all was almost unbearable.
Finally my birthday came. Barbara got up early and burst into the kitchen with her face shining with excitement. In her hands was the finished jumper. It was still a little chunky, the seams were split in places and tight in places, but it was perfect for me.
‘Happy birthday, Mum!’ – she said, holding it out like it was the greatest treasure in the world. It really was. I made it for you.”
I stared at her with a lump in my throat. I wanted to cry, laugh, and apologise all at the same time. ‘Did you do that?’ managed to say.
She nodded, glowing. “I learnt to knit from Brad’s sister. She taught me on FaceTime.” She paused and blushed slightly. “Honestly, Mum, that’s why I asked you not to barge into my room and started locking the door. I wanted it to be a surprise.”
And then I couldn’t hold back any longer. Tears came to my eyes and I pulled her to me to hug her, clasping the jersey between us. “Barbara, she’s beautiful. It’s the best gift I’ve ever received. But there’s something I have to tell you.”
She pulled away, and her smile faded. “You don’t like it? I know it’s a little rough, but I’ll improve it and get you a better one for Christmas.”
I shook my head and took a deep breath. “No, sweetheart. It’s not about that. I love him. It’s the best gift you could have given me. But I was so worried you wanted to be locked up that I went into your room a few weeks ago when you were at school.”
Her eyes widened. ‘What, why?’
“Because I heard you talking on the phone and you sounded really weird. I thought… I thought maybe something was wrong. But I found the jumper. I’m sorry, Barbara. I shouldn’t have peeked.
She stared at me, her expression unreadable. Then she sighed and smiled shyly. “Mum, I understand. You’re always worried about me. But you have to trust me, okay? I’m not hiding anything bad. I just wanted to do something special for you.”
‘I know,’ I said, swallowing hard, pulling the spare key out of my pocket and handing it to her. ‘That’s why I’m giving it to you. I won’t go into your room again without your permission. I promise.”
She hesitated, but took the key nonetheless. Thank you, Mum. But let’s keep it among the other keys. You know…for emergencies.”
I nodded and hugged her again. That afternoon we went for a walk together and had a great time. Of course, I wore my jumper!
Although I was always worried about her, I knew Barbara was becoming a wonderful person. I had to let her fly.
More than that, I had to trust her, because that was the only way I could be the kind of mother my daughter could always trust and the kind of mother I wanted to be.